that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
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