Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
