Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
It's rum buckets o'clock
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
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