I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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