i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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