just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
