respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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