two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
