its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
