I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
