Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Randomize
