i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
