Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
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I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
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I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
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