maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
