I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
