Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
