I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
