There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I stole a fireplace last night.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
