I wish I could teleport
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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