Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
