You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
