Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
