Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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