Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
