You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
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Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
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But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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