i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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