Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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