At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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