i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
