I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Randomize
