the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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