Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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