she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
