The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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