I think im going to throw up on grandma
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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