So drunk its hurt
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
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