I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
