I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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