I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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