Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
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All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
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