I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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