And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
