My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
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