I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
