Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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