Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
