he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
