I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Randomize
