i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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