Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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