I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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