And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
