I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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