I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
