Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
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