i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
