he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
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