i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
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You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
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The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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