The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Watching her eat just hurts me
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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