Your face is a jimmy john
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Randomize
