as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
